i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
