So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
