Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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