My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
