So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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