Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've blown a few things in my day
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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