saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Randomize
