woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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