you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
