Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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