a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
