It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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