You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
