so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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