My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
