my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
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you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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