i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
