I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im just a social blackout drinker.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
