You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
