we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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