I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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