Already got asked if we're dating
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
