I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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