Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
