some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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