i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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