we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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