I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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