They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need water and some morals
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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