i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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