My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
