Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
