I didn't shave. On purpose
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
