So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
