Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
