Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We're like a lot better than the average bears
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
