Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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