You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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