Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
