i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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