So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
