Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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