Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
