Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
