My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
