Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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