Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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