did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
