I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
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I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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