I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
