the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
