tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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