My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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