Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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