Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Randomize
