do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
