It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
