gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
