This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am one with the molecules
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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