we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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