I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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