I want to make a zoo with you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
