Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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