Ketchup is God's man juice
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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