Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
